Sorry its been so long

   <3 there has been so much going on in my life. i had a very hard and sad funeral yesturday and i have another next week... the sadness has kept me in a "Not hungry" mood though and i weigh 183lbs =] thats about all i can lift my head up for lately.

I need to get my hands on some adderall or some type of stimulant that destroys my appetite...

I actually laughed at this the first time i saw it but now... I want to follow it. Idk about the smoking part. If i can find a way out of smoking when i'm down to my goal weight then of course but addictions like smoking are never that easy =(
... I think... I'll think about it some more, especially if i'll turn out like this

If i don't find a way to quit soon after, i'll end up looking like this:

I'm always going to be battling with myself on this one, should i smoke, or should i not smoke...

Fail!

Everything was going so well. I took a nap a while after the oatmeal and I woke up just plain sick. My head was throbbing and so I figured it was because i was hungry. My brother came home with some taco bell and I took two bites. I felt so much better.

"Ok, this is where i stop. Put down the burrito"

Then I proceeded to eat half, then the whole thing. This one burrito couldn't have hurt me so bad, wheres that other one.

I had TWO friggin burritos. I felt so guilty. I decided to try and purge it. I couldn't let those nasty burritos run around in my stomach and do what ever they pleased in there! It didn't work...

I couldn't get anything out just a lot of spit and VERY little burrito. I guess I know next time not to run around scared when I binge and take action immediately or else it will stay down. I know now that I can do it.

If I were to binge and purge, I'd haft to set some rules like not purging unless I had an extreme uncontrollable binge like the one I just had. I wish I was as strong as I was in 10th grade; I really had complete control then especially in the summer. I could knock out ABC diets like it was nothing... now look at me.

I should beat myself over this no longer! I'm still on this train and I wont stop until I reach my goal! Oh I'm finally getting a workout machine! When my mom gets her tax return, she said she'll dish out no more than $250 on a treadmill or an elliptical.

It would be so awesome if I got that elliptical and workout every day after school. One with a bike seat so I can sit down when I really need to and still keep going. Maybe workout for 10 minutes and recover with the bike seat for 1 minute.

I would haft to workout after I had a small snack because I will pass out lol. I can sit the machine in front of the TV and workout from the start to end of the Maury show XD, how awesome would that be! Then I can get back to doing my 100 crunches and 100 leg kicks a night routine. (After 2 1/2 weeks I didn't see any results so I gave up on it)

I'm still not sure if going Mia would be what I end up doing but its definitely an option. I mean, I watched intervention and these other shows that show how much it can destroy a person. What I fear the most out of it would be the destructive mind set and habits that it comes with which would be hard to break. I wish with destructive behaviors, there was this switch you can flip that'll turn off the obsessiveness when you finally reach your goal so you can function like you did before you started...

    So today has gone really well. I didn't eat until I got home from school and what I had was a little oatmeal. Hopefully, that'll be the only thing I eat all day.

So I thought about this boy I have a crush on and how he probably wouldn't like a fat girlfriend. I have dance as well so when I look at myself in the mirror and at other girls, thats all that comes to mind

"Would anyone want this? There are so many other girls that are prettier than me. I'm pretty sure "he" would chose any of these other girls over me any day. Most definitely. If I don't lose weight, it'll be too late and I'll just find myself all alone."

~You aren't attractive if you aren't skinny~

Um, heres some thinspo ladies :3 stay encouraged!

Black Thinspo

     Is it me, or is black thinspo really hard to find. Some black chicks want to get thin too!
I know its not much, but this was all the internet could give me so far.

     When i was on prettythin, there was this popular member (I can barely remember her name) I think was *something*KilledThePromQueen. OMG her photos were amazing! If you use prettythin friend her or something and admire her photos because she's proof we can do it! (since i switch operating systems, i never remembered my password for that site so lol, i can never get back on)

     Just because they says it's "not in out genes to get that thin" doesn't mean we cant. my cousin used to be a size 0 (She's now a 4 and she does look better that way i haft to admit)

Here are some videos :3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq1NGevvxNk&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzclZ6n-PuU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTcGxubfh5E

These are all from BlackGirlRealThinspo. I love her vids because their all real girl thinspo lol. I think she has 13 volumes so knock yourselves out XD

if your looking for motivation:
http://www.youtube.com/user/TearsNoMore87

She lost sooo much weight its not even funny lol aaand she's at it again so you can follow her and at the same time get motivated!

How she did it the first time didn't seem so hard: Eat no more than 800 cals and walk to and from school

800 cals seems like a lot though but anyways as she says, i'm just telling you what she did, you don't haft to follow it.

Today's weigh-in. Will i haft to turn to smokes?

    So i weighed in this morning and gained friggin 1.4 pounds!
I'm so angry at myself. I'm probably going to stay online all day as a distraction from food. I know, i won't go near the kitchen! It's times like these i which i had a little bit of OCD in me. Weight loss would be so much easier. Soooooo angry >.<

Today, i'll have nothing but water and oatmeal. I don't eat any earlier than 1pm (3pm on school days) and i don't eat any later than 6.

Also, i've been thinking about starting a smoking habit to reduce my appetite. The problem there is i'm too scared of the health risks that i'll be facing in the future and the addiction that in the end, i wont think was worth it. A logical person would think, "Hey weight loss, health problems, and a horrible addiction or choosing something else like a diet? I'd choose something else"

besides, Idk if anyone else has noticed but there are a lot of thinspo that include smoking. its almost like their advertising it. "Wanna get thin like me? Smoke."

Now there are other options like smokeless tobacco (i would only do snus, or nicotine candy)

But i don't know if these would have the same affect as a cigarette would because its not just the niccotine that curbs the appetite, its the mental fixation and the smoke that makes food less interesting. 

Now, if its an addiction that i don't want but the smoke i do, i could just go for herbal cigarettes

But they are so hard to find in store and i have no card or anything to get them online. With the snus and candy, i would at least be able to get my neighborhood drunk to go out and get them for me w/ a little cash on the side (Know what i'm sayin' XD) since i'm still a minor (I'm 17).

This is such a hard topic, i'd rather do these herbal cigs though because even with the candy, i wouldn't want to become dependent on them for the rest of my life even though the back of my mind is telling it'll be worth it.  (Room for motivational pic =])

The reason why i'm so bent on smoking or nicotine (More in the favor of smoking) is because i know it'll work and i wont fail with it. I guess i'll compromise

Any diet pills that actually work and wont be a waste of my non-existent money?
OTC would be perfect. I think i'm going to give the pills a go first, then go to the herbal cigs/nic candy. If i get desperate, i'll turn to good old fashion cigs. I know breaking the habit is going to be SUPER hard and will leave a "Gotta have one" scar on me way long after i quit, but i'll try to stop before i become a pack-a-day smoker. (I say that now lol)

What You Should and Shouldn't Eat

These should help you kick those cravings I hope =] 

You shouldn't want to eat after that lol

what you want to eat is thiiiis: 

Also, I found these links to be very helpful :)

Its a link to a list of foods you can eat that'll help you lose weight:

http://www.nowloss.com/Weight_Loss_foods.htm

This is a list of what 200 cals actually looks like so you should be able to get a pretty good visual:

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-does-200-calories-look-like.htm

This is a link to a list of snacks that are under 100 calories:

http://www.lhj.com/recipes/healthy/eating/200-snacks-under-100-calories/